06/02/2023
By Kate Stone Lombardi
As a Corrections Officer (Writers Division), I’m the first to admit that I’d make a lousy realtor. I wouldn’t have the knowledge, patience, or savvy to sell a house. We are currently in the market for a new home, and I have a great deal of respect for the agents with whom we work.
But with that disclaimer, who the hell writes these house listings?
Every house is described as “unique,” even if it’s part of a development with identical homes. Most are “stunning,” “breathtaking” and “enchanting.” Once we get to “charming” or “cozy” we are looking at some tight spaces.
Here are a few descriptions that have jumped out at me:
“The quintessence of understated elegance.” No. Just no.
“This home challenges comparison.” To what?
“Perfect for a chef or anyone who likes to cook!” As opposed to all those kitchens that are not designed for cooking?
“The backyard is a true oasis.” Because you need to avoid all those fake oases out there.
“Living the Lake Life is an unparalleled experience, offering an array of activities such as boating, fishing, swimming, and relaxing.” Thank you for explaining activities one can do in the water. I wasn’t sure. Nor had I realized they were unparalleled. Until now, I thought I could boat, fish, swim and relax in other bodies of water.
“Upon arrival, you’ll be captivated by the quiet and serene surroundings of this property, which offers unparalleled privacy in a peaceful setting.” Come on. The Taj Mahal is unparalleled. Machu Picchu is unparalleled. A pretty backyard is a nice feature.
There’s so much more, but I’ll wrap up with this one:
“History is a continuum and, in some places, more strongly felt than others. The siren call to participate can be answered HERE.” What? The siren call to participate? In what? The continuum of history? Can’t I do that anywhere, even in a spanking new condo? How about, “This home, built in 1799…” ?
This member of the grammar police finds herself exhausted this morning.