11/26/2021
By Kate Stone Lombardi
Last week I wrote about deal breaking phrases. Today I need to address the kind of overwriting that drives me to distraction. In fact, if you saw someone driving alone but yelling inside her car recently, that was probably me, listening to an audio book.
The following sentences are verbatim, except that the highlights are mine. I have also removed the character’s names, so as not to humiliate the authors. Then again, these authors actually sell a lot of books, so they are probably laughing their way to the bank. Or chuckling over their direct deposit accounts.
“With a new decade looming, XXX was on a bus heading West to California, to seek as much of a life someone like him could reasonably expect – a roof over his head, three squares a day, a pint of decent liquor every now and then, and a steady supply of his Lucky Strikes, to keep his mouth supple and amused.”
If only I smoked! Then my mouth wouldn’t be so rigid and aggrieved.
“He got a recommendation on a place to spend the night from a gal behind the bus counter with blonde hair that was wrapped around her neck like a naughty mink stole. ”
Don’t you just hate it when your mink stole acts up and begins choking you? What a troublesome little accessory.
Different author:
“Thick clouds soaked up the vibrant colors of the day – broke and splashed them across the heavens like a manic artist who scored a new bottle of Adderall. Orange Crush and cotton candy collided and dovetailed, making the sky look like a watercolor that had been left out in the rain. The violent hues reflected off the fat flakes drifting down and powdering the landscape.”
Where to start? I guess a shout out to an author who attempts to describe the sky one morning and works in Adderall, Orange Crush, cotton candy and violence. Also – I have no idea what the actual weather is. After all those crazy colors, it’s snowing? In my experience, snow falls out of grey skies, but what do I know?
“XXX’s hazel eyes glistened like a penny, a freshly minted one around the depths of her pupils and an aged one that had green patina around the edges. YYY’s were a murky cobalt blue, much like her grandmother’s collection of vintage Milk of Magnesia bottles.”
Excuse me now please, because I must go in search of my explosive yet calming, bubble gum pink Pepto Bismo.