12/23/2022
By Kate Stone Lombardi
For the last two weeks, I’ve been working on a magazine story about estrangement between adult children and their parents. Researching the article really frightened me.
Mostly it was scary because many of the parents I spoke to were completely blindsided when their adult kid cut off communication. Not only were they shocked, but also these parents soon realized they were helpless. If your adult kid wants nothing more to do with you, you have zero power to address it. Your calls may be blocked and your written entreaties ignored or returned. If grandchildren are involved, it’s an extra dollop of pain on top of an already gut-wrenching situation.
Every relationship is complicated, and adults who no longer want a relationship with their parents may have reasons that justify such a drastic response. It seems there’s a huge range of behaviors that can instigate a rift, ranging from horrible childhood sexual and physical abuse to a more amorphous idea of “toxic parenting.” That last category can be a catchall for all sorts of behavior.
As I write this, I just finished making my creamed spinach with jalapeno casserole for the Christmas dinner. More dishes are to come. My son and his wife are sitting in our living room, laughing and enjoying the warmth of a roaring fire in the fireplace. I’ve been texting with my daughter, who is trying to get her own daughter down for a nap. They will arrive on Christmas morning – they don’t live far.
I can’t help thinking about those parents for whom the holiday is a time of sadness and longing. I tell myself that this would never happen to me. But then, just about every parent I interviewed commented, “I never imagined this could happen to me. We were so close.”
All right, it’s now time to be grateful for what I do have, instead of worrying about what I could lose.
Wishing everyone a lovely holiday.