06/25/2021
By Kate Stone Lombardi
A few weeks ago, I wrote about corrections in the print and digital journalism world. But humiliation and embarrassment isn’t only relegated to mistakes that make it into the story. There’s a whole sub-genre of bone-headed moves associated with reporting.
Mostly, they involved asking stupid questions or making stupid comments. I don’t mean asking questions that are basic – it’s your job to ask questions, and if you don’t understand what you’re hearing, it’s perfectly okay to ask for clarification. Or to say, “I’m sorry. I still don’t understand. Can you explain it again?”
No, I’m talking about things that escape your mouth before your brain has caught up with them.
Such was the case this week when I was interviewing a young woman who had been incarcerated for many years. We got off to a confused start (misunderstanding about our scheduled interview time, apologies, mistakenly cutting each other off on Zoom, etc.) But after all that, “D” smiled and asked, “Well, how are you doing?”
“Great!” I replied. “I finally saw my kids after being separated for 14 months and…”
I stopped cold and covered my face with my hands. “I can’t believe I just said that to you,” I said, peeking out between spread fingers.
This woman had been separated from her child for years. She missed her little girl’s first steps, her first day of kindergarten, birthday after birthday, and so much more. When “D”‘s daughter was was allowed to visit – she had to go through three different security clearances where she was searched, escorted past rolled barbed wires on metal fences and through thick, locked metal doors before she could see her Mom. Even the way they could cuddle was regulated, and a guard supervised all their interactions.
My point is that complaining about not seeing my kids to this woman was….. Insensitive? Shameful? Ridiculous?
“D” was generous about it. When I apologized, she said, “No, it’s okay. We’re good.”
I felt awful, but it was going to be worse if I kept dwelling on it – you know, when you’ve done something wrong, but you end up making the person whose feelings you hurt reassure you over and over that it was alright.
We went on to have a good conversation. But….sigh.